In early 1995 three scientists and a money-grabbing whore decided to provide a potential solution to the world’s energy crisis by modifying Cobain’s grave to include dynamo functionality. With the ferocious spinning of the grave successfully harnessed, it has been able to power some of the richest TV networks in America for over fifteen years.

The frequency and force of the spinning are directly proportional to two things – the amount of bland, corporate shit with Cobain’s name on it and the willingness of his widow to flog parts of his estate to anybody with a chequebook.

Despite strenuous claims from Courtney Love that she had no involvement in the mass-scale prostituting of her late husband’s estate, a spokesman at Activision is now telling a slightly different story, claiming that she not only sold all the rights to Cobain’s likeness for the upcoming edition of Rock Band, but even advised on haircut, clothes and track choices.

However, new evidence suggests that without sufficient control measures, Cobain’s grave could actually threaten the existence of humanity, and top government scientists are now preparing a critical report on the effect that the inclusion of Nirvana material will have on power output.

“The ferocity at which Cobain’s grave is now spinning threatens to actually counteract the planet’s natural spin cycle. It’s the classic “third body” physics problem – we were entirely prepared to include Activision and Courtney Love into our calculations, but we neglected to study the effect of bearded Judas Dave Grohl. It was an elementary mistake but we got so excited by Them Crooked Vultures that we simply forget he was a backstabbing cunt.”

The SuperTruth’s Science & Weather correspondent and part-time Nic Cage stunt-double William Williams III commented today that we were unequivocally doomed.

“The only way to counteract this is to find another dead celebrity whose memory and creative output can be raped, only we have to rape them in the opposite direction. On current calculations we have around 25 ¼ days before we get so close to the sun that we are all burnt alive. The caves won’t save us. Nothing will.”

Lt. Tearsbucket has claimed that films such as Jarhead, Buffalo Soldiers and Three Kings have painted an inaccurate portrayal of modern warfare, and furthermore that it is an infringement of human rights to send soldiers either to dangerous parts of the world or situations that may require combat. Defence QC Whoopi Goldberg, of city law firm Shylock & Chaser, commented on the first day of proceedings.

Loggins: beardy soft-rock fuckwit

“The army has plenty of money, and plenty of working equipment. The real danger to the lives of soldiers is the insistence of this government to send them into areas that we are at war with. Why should our soldiers be endangered any further, if at all? I will be doing everything possible to make sure that the taxpayer is left with an astronomical bill.”

Since being posted in Afghanistan, British troops have suffered what Goldberg describes as “bullying” and “name-calling” from many local insurgents. The Ministry of Defence has responded to claims that it has “lost touch” and is incapable of supplying sufficient resources by hiring Kenny Loggins to perform at a special concert for troops stationed abroad.

Lt. Gen. Sir Bunty Biznogs (Mrs) (ret) criticised the move as a shallow attempt to detract from real issues.

“Highway to the whatnow? If that bearded twat had tried to sing on my watch we’d have dressed him up as a girl and buggered the living fuck out of him, d’ye see?”

Police are still trying to piece together the final hours before the youngster’s body was found, leading various organs to seize this uncertainty and peddle unsubstantiated stories about abuse to sicken the public, and ultimately sell more newspapers through sensationalising the death of a child.

Stacey’s mother, Roxanne, who had been with Walker for about a year and was planning to marry him, has told friends that abuse charges seem unbelievable to her.

“She trusted him and did not have any reason to think he would ever harm a child” said DCI Kirk.

But Kirk also revealed that Walker had a “history of a domestic incident with his wife of three years, who he had been divorcing.”

Kirk did not mention the details of the charge, which hardly constitutes a history, and it can be reasonably assumed from the media silence surrounding them that they were wholly uninteresting in the first place.

TheSuperTruth’s divorce correspondent and part-time pole dancer Simon de Fanganglick commented today that domestic situations were often par for the course when couples split up and this should not be used as a reason to condemn Walker for a violation that he just as equally might not have committed.

“What’s more concerning is that the police will release wild statements to the press which they know will affect public perception to the nth degree. At this rate, we might as well run a story about Stacey being raped by a Unicorn that rode away on a magic fucking rainbow. Show me a newspaper that doesn’t leap onto a child-abuse bandwagon and I’ll show you a bunch of lying fucking cunts.”

Tomorrow’s Daily Mirror is due to run an article that it describes as a “deeply sensitive look at a family torn apart by tragedy”, based on allegations that Walker had once got drunk and shouted at Big Brother for “being shit.”

Entitled “Violent, abusive alcoholic rapes child in sick fuck-you to Princess Jade’s glorious memory”, the article will focus on the connection between a refusal to pay a council fine for overstacking his wheelie bin and possible connections with Al Qaeda.

Costing £10 a wrap, it works by simultaneously releasing the brain chemical (or neurotransmitter) dopamine and blocking the brain’s natural reuptake. Dopamine is involved in reward, motivation, pleasure, and motor function. The drug’s ability to rapidly release dopamine in reward regions of the brain produces intense euphoria. It also suppresses the appetite.

The US Food And Drug Administration launched the probe after key figures rented Darren Aronofsky’s Requiem For A Dream and realised that the public were well on their way to being justifiably fucked off with incessant hypocrisy. The reports included details of 27 patients who were admitted to hospital, all of whom gurned and waved their arms around to the beeps of their dialysis machines.

The drug has already sparked concerns with health experts here who fear it could be abused by people who do not need to lose weight, or those seeking a “miracle cure” for something that in reality could be a lot simpler. Controversial SuperTruth health correspondant and prolific freestyle rapper Dr Bizzy T. Bone insisted today that all people needed was a sense of perspective.

“If you want to lose weight, do some fucking exercise and stop eating shit. It works 100% of the time and there are no side effects. Instead of incessant tabloid scaremongering, maybe a more sobering mirror to look into would be the one that shows illegal drugs rebranded and sold, legally, for over 50 years while the Government and media simultaneousy shitcan us for wanting to get stoned.”

A spokesman for the American food watchdog said: “Our analysis of data is ongoing, and no definite association between mental injury and whizz has been established.”
He added people on the drug should continue to use it as directed. GlaxoSmithKline, which both sells it and kickbacks the American food watchdog, said people who are obese or overweight are predisposed to liver disorders anyway. A spokesman added that there was “no obvious biological mechanism to suggest damage can occur.”

US investigators said people who have used speed should consult a gym or a bicycle if they have symptoms of either fat or lazy.

While traditional Taser weapons fire two darts attached to wires and have a range of around 25ft, the Death Star v1.0 fires a one-second laser burst equal to 10^32 joules from 1-20/40/100 Space Units (47,060,000km) away and has the ability to destroy an entire planet, The Guardian reported.

Police: new powers to fuck us up

Empire International, which makes both weapons, said the new model is a “revolutionary” step that will help police immobilise suspects from a much further distance, but critics said the weapon could cause “serious injury” to the target’s head, face or planet of origin.
The new model, with a diameter of 120km (roughly the size of a class IV moon) is a marked change from the elegant handheld weaponry of a more civilised age. Already on sale in the US, the Death Star v1.0 is being considered by the Home Office for use by law enforcement agencies in England, Scotland, Wales and Alderaan.

Amnesty International UK’s arms programme director Oliver Sprague said:

“We’re seriously concerned about this latest weapon by Empire. It has the ability to destroy an entire planet, and even though this is only possible at full power that still leaves around 5,000 smaller gun turrets across its surface and a fleet of Tie fighters.”

Farmers, communists, beatniks and gay robots from around the world have banded together under the leadership of Sgt. Mike Watts, TA (longest way up shortest way down) to launch a full-scale rebellion against Empire. Sgt. Watts issued the following statement to the press:

“These new tasers represent a gross taking of fucking liberties, but they can be easily destroyed by firing an airpistol into the ventilation shaft on their easterly bow”.

Sgt. Watts also moved quickly to dispel recent rumors as to feasibility of such a task, claiming “I used to shoot me mum’s cat up the arsehole with a BB Glock 17, thats not much bigger and dissimilar to a crouton, which in turn is proportionately similar to the ventilation shaft on this new moon. Space station. Whatever. ”

With an attack looking imminent, and with continued pressure from global liberal groups to step down, Lord Mandelson responded today from his orbiting second-home.

“Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I seriously think you overestimate the rebel’s chances.”

New La Roux song on the radio. I almost bit off my own tongue when she started that pathetic excuse for singing. If I had balls, they would be irreversibly embedded somewhere in my lower abdomen.

Beckham: suspect

The McCann’s personal inquisition has released the sketch as the latest in a series of vague and wildly conflicting pictures that seem to change on a par with whoever is in the news. Following an initial “meh” from the collective authorities, the McCann’s chief investigator, Max Clifford PI, put pressure on Prime Minister Gordon Brown to bring Beckham to justice.
Breaking away from an urgent summit meeting with Britain’s Got Spastic winner Susan Boyle, Brown has demanded that Interpol now become involved in the perpetuating of a sick money and publicity machine that has so far failed at alleviating the guilt associated with killing your own child by mistake and dumping the body in a roadside pit.

Investigations are proving difficult. Despite having dimensions in both height and width, the police have been unable to locate Mrs. Spice due to a complete lack of measurable depth. Met canteen lady Sir Ian Blair commented today:

Childsnatcher

Interpol do not believe Beckham is working alone due to a fundamental lack of basic intelligence, and have collected urther images of criminals believed to be her accomplices. Releasing the pictures in newspapers this morning, Interpol made the following statement.

“We believe a connection between Beckham and the leader of an international ring of child traffickers, an unhinged ex-prostitute known only as ‘Mad Donna’.  This woman is a menace to children, and specifically targets those in the developing world because of the increased effectiveness in bribing everybody involved.”

Using metamaterials and one of the fundamental laws of sensationalist bollocks, Prof Leonhardt’s research exploits the connection between the bending of light, the shape of curved space and the general public’s ability to believe any old sci-fi jazz that gets churned out by scientists about to lose their research grant. Thanks to funding from the Royal Society, he is working on the challenge at St Andrews University.

The professor – who describes his work as a complex array of ‘geometry, matches and a wee bit of shite’ – says that invisibility could aid many things, including visibility, and lead to perfect retroreflectors, improved microscopes and the ability to masturbate unseen in neighbours’ bedrooms.

Religion: making you a bitch since ever

This will include 1-2 weeks leave in mid-December for a bizarre, Coca-Cola sponsored religious festival celebrating the birth of modern capitalism, and three non-specific days sometime in April to promote the reanimation of the dead and the eternal benefits of ad hoc cannabalism.

Mocata, the SuperTruth’s religious correspondant and follower of the left hand path, today commented against the dangers of pandering to mentally deficient megalomaniacs.

“We live in the 21st Century yet a large number of countries across the world still believe that a mythical figure called Cheese Whizz turned water into wine and fed 5000 people with a fish. I’m all for conditioning teenagers into thinking they’re worthless so I can get my fuck on, but we should really think twice before allowing this kind of ideology to influence major policy decisions. What happened to the state seperation of logic and rambling, oppressive bollocks?”

The Home Office responded to public criticisms that this “hippy crap” might be getting out of hand, saying that we should look to the future and believe in something we have no control over rather than taking responsibility for our own actions as parter of a greater cosmic scheme of organic connection. Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams (pictured) supported the Home Office’s statements.

“There is no reason to panic. Preliminary readings of Gordon Brown’s intestines predict large scale financial recovery. We encourage the public not to look back on a 2000 year precedent of greed, murder, oppression and scientific denial, and instead concentrate on this video of Paul Daniels whipping a sturgeon out of Debbie McGee’s crippled jizztrap to feed one tenth the population of Yeovil.”

The Super Truth’s Afghanistan correspondant General Sir Bunty Kendall-Mintcake commented on the figures.

“Out of the 500 helicopters the Armed Forces  have, only 50 are in Afghanistan. Why can’t we borrow one of the 450 instead of complaining about an under-resourced service and levying the blame on the Prime Minister?”

Brown has been lambasted in the media for strings of administrative fuckups since he was elected/installed/turned up. General Kendall-Mintcake further commented that the PM was absolutely right to deny troops.

“Money has not caused the shortfall in troops. The Prime Minister denied supplying 2000 troops on America’s demand and was quite right to do so.  If it were down to me I’d have the Magna Carta rewritten to include the statement that Great Britain will be both fucked and buggered before she kowtows to the violent whim of a bunch of warmongering colonial shitwits.”

Brown has denied that there is a great British interest in Afghanistan, and advised the US military that it would be in his country’s interests to sort out the haemophiliac economy before pissing money down an American-built drain.
Downing Street advisor Pissy Shitchops  advised press today:

US President Al Jolson commended Gordon Brown for paying attention and making a good decision.

“Gordon actually listened, and did something right. I’ve put a cookie in the post.”

With new American pressure mounting, Brown is now left with a difficult decision – piss around overseas or look a little closer to home to fix an economy that is gushing cash like a 50ft high menstrual cuntwave.